18 questions to ask yourself before getting engaged, according to relationship experts
Once a proposal becomes imminent, conversations about the wedding can quickly overtake questions about the marriage. Loving someone may explain why you are considering getting engaged but it doesn’t automatically tell you what married life will require.
Premarital conversations often stop at broad agreement. You may want children “eventually” or describe themselves as “good” with money without asking what either claim means in practice. The ambiguity feels harmless until they face a decision and discover that they understood the agreement differently.
“Most couples spend years learning each other’s preferences, but that is different from understanding the expectations they attach to marriage,” says Priyanka Ahluwalia, a New Delhi-based sex therapist and relationship counsellor. “You may know what your partner orders for dinner and still have no idea whether they expect their parents to be consulted before you buy a home.”
Dr Nayana Bedi, a psychologist and researcher, believes that these conversations can also reveal how safe each person feels within the relationship. “I believe the answer matters as much as the reaction to being asked,” she says. “Can your partner remain curious and open when the question makes them uncomfortable or do they treat it as an accusation?”
Before getting engaged, these questions can help you consider the marriage that will remain after the revelries of the ceremonies end.
1. Am I choosing this relationship or reacting to a timeline?
A relationship can reach a stage at which engagement begins to feel overdue. Friends may be marrying, while questions from family add a sense of urgency. One partner may also worry that more time together without a proposal signals a lack of commitment.
“Ask whether you would still want to get married now if nobody knew your age or how long you had been dating,” Anand suggests. The question can separate confidence in the relationship from anxiety about falling behind.
2. What do I believe will change once we are married?
Marriage is sometimes expected to resolve concerns already present during dating. One person assumes their partner will become more responsible with money or spend less time at work once the relationship becomes official.
Write down what you expect to change after the wedding and ask whether your partner has agreed to any of it. “An engagement confirms an intention to marry the person you know now. It cannot guarantee that they will become the person you hope marriage might produce,” says Bedi.
3. What does commitment mean to each of us?
Couples can use the same word while imagining different responsibilities. For one person, commitment may mean consulting each other before accepting a job. Their partner may understand it as remaining loyal during a difficult period.
Discuss what marriage would make you responsible for in relation to each other. The conversation can expose expectations that previously seemed too obvious to articulate.
4. Can we discuss money in actual numbers?
Knowing that your partner is a spender or considers themselves careful with money provides little information about running a household together. Both partners should understand the other’s income and debt before getting engaged.
Financial responsibilities towards parents require a separate conversation. “Financial compatibility does not mean earning similar amounts,” says Anand. “Neither person can or should make a major decision like marriage with incomplete information.”
5. What will remain financially independent after marriage?
A couple may agree about financial honesty and still disagree about how money should be managed. One person may expect all income to enter a joint account, while the other wants to retain control over part of what they earn.
Discuss how personal spending will work and how you will decide on a large purchase. It is also worth considering what would happen if one of you temporarily or permanently stopped earning.
